Thursday, September 30, 2010

An Honest Answer to Love

Maybe love is supposed to hit you right between the eyes or maybe like a gut punch that leaves you doubled over and breathless. Who knows. No one ever wrote a real guide to love anyways. We are all wondering around aimlessly, running into walls trying to figure this mess out by ourselves. I’m sure the big man upstairs and your great great grandmother have the answers to love, but when was the last time that you were able to sit down with then and actually ask. No one has the secrets, we only have what we did wrong and we share it with others so maybe they miss that hurdle or this wall. But in the end, who is right and who is wrong. Can we say that our heart is right? All that is, is just an organ that pumps blood and keeps you alive…big whoop. Is the brain right, cause deep inside, I think we are all messed up. Maybe the right thing to do is just take a stab in the dark and hope that you don’t stab yourself.

Free Fall

As I am in free fall, falling towards the earth
Wings in disarray, no longer remembering how to fly
I dream of the sun, and the warmth of the light
Praying to god that there are no more lies
With no way to fly and a million ways to fall
I think about what it means to crash and burn
I’m still in free fall

Can crashing and burning really be that bad
Maybe a new start is all that I have
With no more prayers, no more faith
The process begins, heaven awaits
The flames begin to burn from inside
Slowing seeping out, I can no longer hide
Engulfed in heat, remembering the pain,
I know that it will all be over soon, and I’ll start over again

Its almost done now
There isn’t anything left
My spirit is still falling
I’m waiting with my last breath
God please help me now, I can’t fly alone
Give me the mercy that to me you’ve once shown
I can feel the peace now, its starting to return
It’s a process of rebirth, but first there is always the burn
Without pain and struggle, we never realize
Just how precious our wings are
When all we want to do is fly

Sunday, August 1, 2010

What I've learned... since I've been in Atlanta

What I’ve learned is that the one you ran away with may just be the one who took you away from where you needed to be.

I’ve learned that if he says he is in school, yet you have never seen him actually go to class… he may be lying.

I’ve learned that not picking up on the lying is not being naïve… it’s just being stupid; you’re mother should’ve taught you better than that damnit.

I’ve learned that if he didn’t pay on the first date he will probably never will pay… so don't expect rent from him two years later.

I’ve learned that the people you think you hate the most are the ones that are probably the closest to your heart… i.e. the people you work with and the family you pretend isn’t there.

I’ve learned that you don’t realize how precious your family is to you until they are no longer there, and the loss only makes it harder.

I’ve learned that letting go is not only the hardest thing to do but probably the most necessary.

I’ve learned that no matter how I think I’m strong enough to go through what my mother did alone… I will always still need her help and alone is not always the best.

I’ve learned that God answers prayers in ways that you do not always expect and/or see.

I’ve learned that “the one” may already be in your life and if you weren’t blind it would be easier to see.

I’ve learned that when you think you love someone, you should probably have a drink or two and see if you still feel the same way in a few months… some circumstances should probably take longer.

I’ve learned that when men say they are ready for life and have grown up that they will still need about ten years to make that statement true.

I’ve learned that when you hit rock bottom… and then still manage to go further down to just wait a second. Your guardian angel is on the way, just takes a while to fly that low.

I’ve learned that listening is part of being a friend, and actually caring is why they call you a best friend.

I’ve learned that even if you don’t want to hear it… therapy is so worth the money at times.

I’ve learned that people will show up in your life not always when you want but exactly when you need them.

And most of all, I’ve learned that when your back is against the wall and there is nothing left of your life but little pieces of it laying all around the floor, it’s probably time to dig deep, grab some duct tape and put the damn thing back together. Life is too short to give up now and I’m still learning that if I give in too soon, I won’t be able to raise hell and change the world… and changing the world always starts back at home.

Monday, June 7, 2010


"An intriguing invitation.

A revealing discovery. A promise of

Adventure. A whispered romance.

A question answered.

A secret kept."

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Lullaby

When we remember those sweet, soft lullabys from our childhood, the ones that sang us to sleep and into a world of endless dreams and possibilities... we always remember the cooing words of our mothers.

When we grow up we may wonder where these magical songs may have gone, but they are still here… you just have to listen more closely to hear them.

The lullaby now that hums in my ear are not words to a song, but the beating of his heart.

The beating, that at times feels like it is coming from my own chest. I lay there, listening quietly to his heart and letting it softly beat mine to sleep.

In my dreams I still hear his heartbeat. The steady sound that lets me know I’m still in this world. The beating almost becomes the pulse running through me.

As I open my eyes to a new day, his heart is still laying there next to mine. As I wake and continue throughout the day, his heart beat becomes my embrace, never leaving my mind.

The night is never far away and as the sleepiness encroaches, I wait for my lullaby.

No matter the age, and no matter how far away the memory of love may be, his lullaby is still there… softly beating me back to sleep

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Moving forward and cutting the strings

We all say that we want freedom and independence… that is until we actually get it. There is something frightening in having your own destiny put in the palm of your hand. No longer are you relying on the other, or waiting around for everyone else to get it right. Now all of a sudden it’s all you and you’ve never been more scared. Looking back now at past decisions and mistakes made along the way, I have to think to myself, which hurts more, the broken heart or the aftermath it leaves behind. With a band-aid for the soul, broken hearts heal with time, but it seems that the remnants of that past love are like jagged pieces of glass that continue to nick you only to remind you of the pain, especially just when you think that you’ve moved on. It may only be the smallest of cuts, but it reminds you each time you move and feel the pain that that love existed and now it is only a distant memory; a thought of what used to be and what can never be again. With scissors in your hand and the ability to leave it all behind with a simple snip of the ties holding you back, it seems as though this is the moment we hesitate. We stand in the middle of what has been and what can be and the thought of standing still and not moving at all is almost more comforting that choosing a direction in which to go.

This very moment is what defines who we are at the very core of our being. At this moment there is no one else to lean on and your two feet are finally standing strong beneath you

Was it ever Love?

Was it ever love?
After a relationship we always look back at what has been and reminisce, wondering if things could ever be different. We wonder if it was how long that place in our hearts will be sore, if it was real, and in the hardest of times, if it was love at all. When we are in the middle of a relationship, it is like being caught in a hurricane. With the winds and thunder, it is hard to even see the outside world and therefore we relent and believe that there is nothing better and that this is how love is. When the hurricane starts to disintegrate however, our eyes fall upon a new world full of possibilities and it makes us question the feelings we used to swear by.

When I sit down at night and think of him, I am plagued by so many thoughts. I have the current frustration and anger and then there is the hint of sadness that maybe it wasn’t even love but only an affection that was blind.