Capacity

Capacity

Someone once told me that I deserved to be loved to the fullest capacity that an individual is capable of. That got me thinking. I had never considered the notion of capacity and love in the same thought, now I can't stop thinking about one without the other. They have become inextricably linked, and possible always were.

When I decided to look into this notion of capacity, I knew that I had to start with the meaning and the very intention of the word. After pulling up the definition from the dictionary I was quite intrigued. Although the word capacity has several definitions, three stood out to me. The first definition listed was "the ability or power to contain, absorb or hold". Skipping down to the third definition, it states "the power of receiving impressions, knowledge, mental ability. The fourth definition was listed as "actual or potential ability to perform, yield or withstand". Multiple words to help understand one meaning... capacity.

So from these three definitions, I pulled two important concepts; the power to contain, and the actual ability to withstand. With these in mind I can only draw one conclusion; the deciding factor in a relationships survival is dependent upon ones capacity to love and the others capacity to withstand.

From here several questions come to mind. What happens when our threshold for either of these capacities is met? Do we have the potential ability to change our capacity for love? Can we even raise our threshold for withstanding? More importantly, do we hold the key to our own ability to change?

With these questions in mind, all I can do is wonder... when the capacity for love is maxed out and the threshold for withstanding the pain is met, where do we go from here?

Love is....

Regardless of whether I love you,
hate you, wish you were dead
or know that I would die without you.

It doesn’t matter,
because once you entered my life,
no matter whatever I was to the world,
you became everything to me.

When I look you in your eyes,
I'm traveling to the depths of your soul
and I say a million things- without even speaking,

I know that my own life in consumed by your love,
I love you for a million reasons.

It’s a 'thing,'
...an indescribable feeling.

An Honest Answer to Love

Maybe love is supposed to hit you right between the eyes or maybe like a gut punch that leaves you doubled over and breathless. Who knows. No one ever wrote a real guide to love anyways. We are all wondering around aimlessly, running into walls trying to figure this mess out by ourselves. I’m sure the big man upstairs and your great great grandmother have the answers to love, but when was the last time that you were able to sit down with then and actually ask. No one has the secrets, we only have what we did wrong and we share it with others so maybe they miss that hurdle or this wall. But in the end, who is right and who is wrong. Can we say that our heart is right? All that is, is just an organ that pumps blood and keeps you alive…big whoop. Is the brain right, cause deep inside, I think we are all messed up. Maybe the right thing to do is just take a stab in the dark and hope that you don’t stab yourself.

Free Fall

As I am in free fall, falling towards the earth

Wings in disarray, no longer remembering how to fly

I dream of the sun, and the warmth of the light

Praying to god that there are no more lies

With no way to fly and a million ways to fall

I think about what it means to crash and burn

I’m still in free fall

Can crashing and burning really be that bad

Maybe a new start is all that I have

With no more prayers, no more faith

The process begins, heaven awaits

The flames begin to burn from inside

Slowing seeping out, I can no longer hide

Engulfed in heat, remembering the pain,

I know that it will all be over soon, and I’ll start over again

Its almost done now

There isn’t anything left

My spirit is still falling

I’m waiting with my last breath

God please help me now, I can’t fly alone

Give me the mercy that to me you’ve once shown

I can feel the peace now, its starting to return

It’s a process of rebirth, but first there is always the burn

Without pain and struggle, we never realize

Just how precious our wings are

When all we want to do is fly

What I've learned... since I've been in Atlanta

What I’ve learned is that the one you ran away with may just be the one who took you away from where you needed to be.

I’ve learned that if he says he is in school, yet you have never seen him actually go to class… he may be lying.

I’ve learned that not picking up on the lying is not being naïve… it’s just being stupid; you’re mother should’ve taught you better than that damnit.

I’ve learned that if he didn’t pay on the first date he will probably never will pay… so don't expect rent from him two years later.

I’ve learned that the people you think you hate the most are the ones that are probably the closest to your heart… i.e. the people you work with and the family you pretend isn’t there.

I’ve learned that you don’t realize how precious your family is to you until they are no longer there, and the loss only makes it harder.

I’ve learned that letting go is not only the hardest thing to do but probably the most necessary.

I’ve learned that no matter how I think I’m strong enough to go through what my mother did alone… I will always still need her help and alone is not always the best.

I’ve learned that God answers prayers in ways that you do not always expect and/or see.

I’ve learned that “the one” may already be in your life and if you weren’t blind it would be easier to see.

I’ve learned that when you think you love someone, you should probably have a drink or two and see if you still feel the same way in a few months… some circumstances should probably take longer.

I’ve learned that when men say they are ready for life and have grown up that they will still need about ten years to make that statement true.

I’ve learned that when you hit rock bottom… and then still manage to go further down to just wait a second. Your guardian angel is on the way, just takes a while to fly that low.

I’ve learned that listening is part of being a friend, and actually caring is why they call you a best friend.

I’ve learned that even if you don’t want to hear it… therapy is so worth the money at times.

I’ve learned that people will show up in your life not always when you want but exactly when you need them.

And most of all, I’ve learned that when your back is against the wall and there is nothing left of your life but little pieces of it laying all around the floor, it’s probably time to dig deep, grab some duct tape and put the damn thing back together. Life is too short to give up now and I’m still learning that if I give in too soon, I won’t be able to raise hell and change the world… and changing the world always starts back at home.

Whisper

"An intriguing invitation.

A revealing discovery. A promise of

Adventure. A whispered romance.

A question answered.

A secret kept."

The Lullaby

When we remember those sweet, soft lullabys from our childhood, the ones that sang us to sleep and into a world of endless dreams and possibilities... we always remember the cooing words of our mothers.

When we grow up we may wonder where these magical songs may have gone, but they are still here… you just have to listen more closely to hear them.

The lullaby now that hums in my ear are not words to a song, but the beating of his heart.

The beating, that at times feels like it is coming from my own chest. I lay there, listening quietly to his heart and letting it softly beat mine to sleep.

In my dreams I still hear his heartbeat. The steady sound that lets me know I’m still in this world. The beating almost becomes the pulse running through me.

As I open my eyes to a new day, his heart is still laying there next to mine. As I wake and continue throughout the day, his heart beat becomes my embrace, never leaving my mind.

The night is never far away and as the sleepiness encroaches, I wait for my lullaby.

No matter the age, and no matter how far away the memory of love may be, his lullaby is still there… softly beating me back to sleep